hmmm...

The spark is dying, and im afraid its all my fault.
what to do. what to do..

no matter

... no matter how much things get better i still have days where i wake up and feel like this.

and i know that know what i do i cannot for the life of me fix the day, it is completely ruined. && i feel like a train wreck.

the more these days occur the more i realize how bad off i really am, how i never wish anyone to feel the way i do.

Yeah ive been having good days. so many in fact i thought i was past a lot of this. but all it takes is one day.. one day
to slow me down and make me realize i still am me.

for this reason and this reason alone i am afraid of ever having a child. to create something that could inevitably feel the same way i do and have the same thoughts i do is even more depressing then the life i live now.

i try my hardest to stay positive but no matter what a single day always comes along once in a while where i feel completely wrong like everything i do and say upsets people or like i wake up in the morning and no matter how hard i try i can not seem to get up and accomplish anything. on these days all i can hope is to make it thru. and its hard. because you cant seem to explain exactly how your feeling inside no do you wish for the over sympathy from the ones you love. its just a bad state. and you want to sleep till you wake up and feel better.

its these days i wish nothing more than to hope no else has to ever feel the same way i do. and if i can prevent it... im all for it.

FUCK!

Im broke. beyond broke.

and my car is a pile of shit.

and i hate this fucking house..

not like ill get that far if i try to leave tho.. because IM BROKE && my car is a piece of crap.

fck fck fck.

you know what pisses me off the most about this. i fucking blame him. i fucking hate him. i didnt need this right now. and if i hear sorry or an offering of money one more god damn time were breaking up.

i dont have time to be poor right now buttt here i am.

i made it big after christmas. i had so much cash i was pumped. i was gonna buy video games and movies that i wanted. and now im fighting to pay my god damn cable bill i hate this sooo fucking much...

i didnt want this to happen. i didnt want this to happen like this.

who the hell am i? im not god.. who as i to play god.

but it wasnt even a question.. it was obvious cant ruin his future even tho yours is already ruined.

and now i get shit from everywhere my mother obviously no longer likes him and if she keeps talking about me breaking up with him im going to find a high place and jump.

i just hate this. and no one can fix it because no one has any idea what this did to me. no one even if you've been thru it.

im tired of crying.
im tired of asking for money.
im tired of working all the time.

i hate that im angry 24/7 but you would be too if you got one day of vacation and a shit car and no money. and now what woohoo i get to go back to school. YAY!

can i die yet?! please?

tension headache

shelton disgusts me.

seriously im disgusted to even tell people i am from here.
the people who are here are horrible, like everytime i think no its not that bad they shock me once again.

keep your big mouths shut.
dont talk crap
& no we are not friends.

friends dont hangout just to make fun of each other.
friends dont go behind your back and talk shit about what.
friends dont act caddy to each other.

obviously the idea of a good friend was lost on most people in this town.

im ready for willimantic.
im ready to not come back here in between vacations.

im done.

and sadly its not all of them its just a few who ruin it.



im changing my cellphone number because i hate most the people who have the number.
if i dont give you my new number catch the hint.

ughhh im tired of waking up everyday and trying to be positive and then getting fucked over in the end. im tired.
sometimes i think the only way to get out of this hole is just to peace the fuck out of here and start completely over somewhere else.

but then fear sets in again.
gey.

westerns on the tv again.

25 pages of notes, two weeks of classes. and one major test tomorrow.
intercession = obnoxious.
i dont suggest it for anyone.

granted i am going to do well, but still. its annoying.

i leave for school saturday sean is going to help me move in because mom & dad are going to diirty jerz.
im pumped to go back this house gives me a headache. as do the people in this town.

I'm no longer moved to drink strong whiskey...

I think... the worst part about this whole weekend is that I had to lie to my mom. I didn't want to.. but I just couldn't tell her. After all the problems we had when I told her I was depressed, I couldn't tell her that I fucked up again...and now all I want to do is tell her, but I know she'll just be mad at me...or hurt. so I can't....it just makes me sick. and it puts me back to square one...

at the end of the day... I just want to die.. plain & simple...

do you believe in what you see.

you can honestly prepare yourself for everything the world has to throw at you, but if your mind is weak, all that preparing was for nothing...

.. I remember the first time I thought about it. I was driving across a bridge and I thought to myself, what if I didn't drive over it, but instead drove off of it. ..
at the time I laughed, that wasn't the first time I thought about going through with it , but it was the first time it was a completely plausible thing to do, that would not require somehow stealing a gun or attempting to find a high place to hang myself. It seemed so simple. Granted my little box of car is not big enough to throw me into any water, but it is small enough to crunch up from a tiny box into a small heap of metal leaving me done for. I then proceeded to wonder if god would leave me hanging on by a thread in the hospital on life support like a tease leaving my parents with a question of holding on or letting go, or if he would simply realize I obviously didn't want to be here anymore and would let me go peacefully to hell...

I think the worst part about realizing just how depressed I was, was that I was smart enough to realize it. To normal people it takes over you like a drug, i've seen it happen right before me, and the person just sucombs to vices like knives until they get out and end it all before they even realize they need help. I knew I needed help I just chose to look in the other direction for a while.

I think the thing that bothers me the most though even more than being smart enough to know I had a problem was the fact that I still to this day cannot figure out what triggered it all. I mean i've considered myself clinically depressed since at least sophmore year when I decided to stop eat for a few days and ended spending most the year watching blood drip from my arm to make sure their was still blood running through my viens and then upon figuring out their was sedating myself with enough Ibprofen that no matter what tom did, or my parents said, or people in school said to me nothing ment a thing I could just laugh it off or make a joke back instead. I guess thats where I went wrong, but still I thought I was past all that until that day. I have no clue what bridge it was, I just know it seemed like a normal day. Of course nothing is normal in my life.

Today I cried in my car. Crying and driving so dangerous my life is. But there I was I had held back as long as I could I was to the point past when you feel the tears welling up and right after you hold them back when you feel that pinch of pain because you should have cried. and then a few minutes later I wasn't strong enough to hold it back anymore... I'm tired.

I always tell my sister she shouldn't judge. my family judges me hard. but not even that hard, but between them and everyone else in the world it piles up and you just wish you had a safe haven, and when you realize you don't.... it hurts ... alot.

I would basically do anything for my friends. but here I am. My two best friends eat dominoes with me and spend the rest of the time telling me how manly I am and how I must have a penis. and then the people I live with at school seem to think of me as a general fuck up, a slut, or just a mean person. My boyfriends parents seem to think I am a drunk & a pot head. My other friends must think I am a flake because I can't seem to make time for them. and my family they just judge...hard.

it build up..and I let it. Because god forbid i tell anyone that they hurt me, because I'm claire szeker..I don't know if it is because I am tall or what but people seem to think I am pretty strong considering they throw all their problems on me and then run fast away when I have any. And this is not all of my friends but a great majority.

I don't know sometimes it just feels like I put out so much, and I get nothing back.

its like when i "jokingly" say I want to kill myself and my friends tell me I can't because they they'd have nothing to do.. if someone told you they wanted to kill themselves would you want to find a better reason then you wouldn't have anything to do.

I've thought about it a million times, but I still can't bring myself because I've been through so much shit now I just like to see what god will throw at me next for shits and giggles.

I don't know. I guess I just wonder when I became so fucked up..like honest question in which I want an answer.. why do people automatically think I would be a bad parent I mean granted I have said in the past I don't want kids, but why wouldn't I? and why do people automatically assume I am an alcoholic.. I barely drink.. Or a pot head.. And am I really that mean. I mean honestly am I? because if so i'd generally like to fix it.

I think the funniest thing to me is that I cry in my car yet I can't cry at my grandfathers funeral, or Bobs funeral, or even Britt's....I guess because in the end I always wondered why it couldn't have been me.

Yeah, I Know fucked up isn't it.