where the blacktop ends..

i've been thinking... oh how i've been thinking.

i sit here today after a fabulous weekend and an even more fabulous sleep. like i just slept for 10 1/2 hours it was much needed and i feel soooooo good right now.

i suffer from anxiety. its hard for people to understand what i mean when i say that. like when you say your depressed everyone gets it your sad all the time but anxious they go oh well what are you anxious about.. but its not that simple. when i first got to school my normal ticks ad twitchs starting becoming more noticable to me. the usual click of the pen snap of rubber bands leg shaking & nervousness increased a lot. i just kept telling myself i was having a little sophmore slump nervousness and it would pass. But here i am a couple months later im taking zoloft now to help with my nervous tick and getting counseling. did i ever think it would get this bad?! nope not in a million years. but it did. i was twitching calculating steps it was like a bad version of worst case scenerio i had back up plans in my head for anything that could happen JUST IN CASE and i dreamt about everything going wrong all the time. talking to people wasnt happening. i snapped way more easily and the simple shrug of the shoulders could lead me to believe you were angry at me making me feel depressed.

i started on zoloft actually wow i started on zoloft a month ago. since taking it my situation hit rock bottom and is currently working its way back up. when i first started i was on 50mg to see if any side effects hit me, luckily for me they didnt so after two weeks on it i was upped to 100 mg. and thats when things got ugly a few days in the drug hit me with a popular side effect. feeling more depressed. i was crying over everything i had no drive to live. i thought of a million and one ways to kill myself. and i even harmed myself. in hopes that this wasnt really me and just a side effect i lowered myself back down to 50 mg and contacted my psychiatrist. after a few days away from the dosage the feelings subsided. but here i am still in a weird place. after meeting with my psychiatrist we decided to just keep me at 50 mg because that was making a difference and sometime it takes these types of drugs 6 to 8 weeks to really see a change. so here i am.

its hard for me now because on the 100 mg i was completely anxiety free i wasnt ticking i wasnt having those thoughts i was paying attention in class not worrying about what could go wrong and to know that thats how i could be feeling right now its hard to go back to my constant ticking state. i notice it more now.

when i first told my mom about what was going on with me her reaction was do you want to come home you could come home you know that wouldnt be bad at all. i was so against it because to me that would be failing but now the more i think about it im actually considering. its a day to day fight. i LOVE my roomates i love my school. but the anxiety i feel from living with people that yeah i know but i dont really KNOW. it adds to it really badly. not to mention i feel even worse because it puts stress on them. me breaking down am i having a good day or a bad day. i can tell i see the strain it puts right now. but i dont want to leave. iduno its like a toss up. the comforts of home might really help me right now. and i could go to southern for a semester but at the same time. i feel like that would just be giving up. its just this is a lot harder to get thru then i thought it would be.

thanksgiving is coming up and that should be good ill get to see my family itll be sad because my grandfather wont be there. and im really nervous for my family to see me. my extended family doesnt know what im going thru and although i dont like to admit this. they add to it. the hows schools who are you dating and of course the ever popular do you eat anything new this year. or is that resturant claire approved. i know they mean no harm by it but it makes me soooo nervous. im ticking right now sitting here typing about it. and id rather they didnt see me break down because that would be the lowest of the low. sometimes when its really bad i have trouble breathing and then have to leave where i breakdown and breathe heavily. and cry. id rather keep those moments to myself as much as possible but i suppose i have no choice but to hope for the best.