Christmas has been postponed.

And so this is Christmas, For weak and for strong, For rich and the poor ones, The world is so wrong, And so happy Christmas, For black and for white, For yellow and red ones, Let's stop all the fight, A very merry Christmas, And a happy New Year, Let's hope it's a good one, Without any fear

soo my christmas will occur on the normal day except i dont get presents until thursday, which i have decided i am still allowed to be angry about as i am still a teenager until this coming august. hooah.

ahh well here i am in new jersey. their is no snow gracing the ground, no signs of holiday cheer just some very bad wind and rain. its actually quite depressing. i wish i was home in connecticut, but you and i both know their is absolutely no way out of this so oh well.

i miss sean. thats a given but i just missing being around him and i know i am not going to see him for a while longer which makes me sadder. is that possible.

anyways i hope you have a very happy christmas. whoever & wherever you are

last day of work.

dude, but for serious wow.

december is probably the worst month ever invented.
thats my story && im sticking to it.

today is my last day of work. that makes me rather happy because although i love this job it has to be the most boring/amusing thing ever. i mean yesterday me & john sat here attempting to beat solitaire (the right way) for like 2 hours. and laughing about the size of sweatpants. how weird is that.

im so ready to get the fuck out willimantic.
im torn today. im torn everyday. but moreso today.
i love this place, i love this school. Easterns main goal in life may be to piss me off and want me to leave but they are failing miserably because no matter how much this school pisses me off i still don't want to leave and thats because of two reasons: one i actually do enjoy it here - the enviroment etc. and two im so afraid of where i would go if i left and what would happen if i went somewhere else and failed.

so i admit it fear is keeping me here. ive got bigger shit going on.

i dont think i've been this excited for christmas since i was little, i dont even care that im going to have to go to dirtyy jerz. And the only one more shocked by that statement was my psychologist. im a weird point in my life. im kinda actually pumped to see my family. anddd im pumped for presents haha. gilmore girls on dvd & veronica mars.. mmmmmmmmmmm okay stoppp.

no but for serious. december sucks....

six years later. six years later. i want to throw every bottle in my room away and never touch that shit again. i dont even know why i do it. im so disgusted with myself lately im so tempted to give it all up. and do what right. be sad sober claire. not that drinking keeps me happy. and not that i would ever get in a car and drive while under the influence. its just the principal of it all. six years ago, she died cause some asshole got in the car after he drank. how stupid is that. i mean she was there and then she wasnt. it was so. wrong.

im changing my prescription to celexia. obviously im waiting until after christmas cause its stronger and obviously im slightly nervous but inevitably the goal is to get better. get better. PLEASE god let me get better.

sometimes i get so numb i just feel the need to get beat up so i can feel. obviously i ignore the urge i just i hate the feeling. the one right before you cry. not that i ever suceed. but when you know you're about to even before the tears well up. and then i push it down. and i go numb. amazing isnt it. after years of trying to find new ways to go numb im fighting to feel. ahh the irony of the whole situation.

okay no but for serious stop being so emo.

im sorry.

In other news my roomates still suck, as of today at 9:00am i am no longer poor, i get to go home today. im probably gonna go see corinne tonight. andd iduno.

Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. time is always moving, and you need to move with it. being stuck in the past is no way to live. Chin up, smile plastered on your face. hey kid, everybodies watching

&&& this is where i am at now...

i live with this awesome girl. except she has like just a few thousand issues with me. and refuses to talk to me about it.. i do not attack her. but she gets flustered and tells me off. like i did something wrong.
i do not enjoy confrontation i do not enjoy you always feeling the need to get your way

i want things to work out.

but this is what it comes down to. i need to either go home. or move out... because im a going to kill her.
i have so many things going on in my life. that literally every morning i wake up and have to convince myself to keep going to keep trying to search and find some reason to keep living. and having to wake up everyday in this enviroment makes the fight almost seem not worth.


im at breaking point. and it seems she wants to just push me off the edge of the cliff. and laugh while fall all the way down. and if i try to tell her how i feel. she snaps back. and then within a minute and half DOESNT want to talk about it anymore. and then i feel like the bad person

today im officially poor... i could call home for money but its my own fault. i volunteered to make everyone who makes me feel like shit christmas dinner. it was good dinner they enjoyed but they still made me hate myself more.

so i have 5 dollars to my name until thursday morning when my direct deposit goes through and in the process of buying everything to make them dinner i have no food in the house except for half a bag of pizza rolls, honey nut cheerios and apple sauce. needless to say im fucked until thursday butttt ohhh well right.

cause its my fault end of story.

crying is weakness so i cut. probs not the best method but its not often and its not deep.

if i go home i fail. i let down everyone in my life.
and no dont give me that itll all be okay.
theyll look at me differently.
i think about EVERYONE.
and i cant do it.

soo i up my depression medication hope my twitch calms and hope for the best.

i just hate that in the process of all this im hurting the few lights in my life. like me & parents are actually close and me & sean are perfect. but i cant only push myself so hard to smile and act like im fine. and i hate complaining to sean. because he just feels bad and then i feel bad.

needless to say im fucked either.

YAY!

Post Script.

i tell you what type of flowers she likes. and you call me a prick because your on speaker phone even tho it doesnt matter because shes no where around..

makes complete sense.
i have the best friends ever.


jump.

busy busy busy

im currently running in circles... figurativly speaking.
after tomorrow im basically done. as in done for the semester. DAMN this semester went fast.

anyway todays new topic is.... DUH DUH DUH DUH (rob will be proud of me for this one)

Free Loaders

I have a job.
you should get one too.

If i am hungry and want dinner i make dinner for me & 3 other people. thats really obnoxious because food isnt cheap. why is it that you feel the need to eat all my food. and then my personal favorite about the whole thing is you just throw you dishes in the sink and leave. no im not trying to be mean cause were friends and all and you have made me a few meals but for serious. i cant afford this anymore.

Friday i am making christmas dinner. i am also buying christmas dinner and from what i hear everyones going to drink my beers. beers are expensive from now on every party will be BYOB and if you cant pay you cant drink cause i cant afford. my car broke down you all helped me push it. but now you all make me feel like i suck because my car isnt here to drive you to walmart. so i put gas in your car. i have no problem because your driving my ass around but damnnn. whose gonna drive.. oh yeah you cant dirty look. did i want my car to break down no. did i ever ask or take gas money from you no. lay off.

i know im sounding mean but damnn for serious its getting out of hand. and then when im making a shopping list you want to invite more people. i said id make christmas dinner if i wanted to work at the soup kitchen id volunteer theirs already like 12 people coming.

i never spend money on myself unless its food and even then its not for me. im tired of having to worry about if ill have enough money to spend on something i want to do because im too busy spending money on you. GET A JOB! and if your trying i understand im not talking to you. but seriously COMMON!

Beyond that my roomate is going to date one of my best friends. im okay with it if she wasnt paranoid. he talks to me about when hes gonna do stuff and then she freaks out cause i know and she doesnt. so inevitably me & alec wont be friends anymore cause i dont want her on my ass to know stuff that i didnt want to know in the first place. and my ass your coming down to see "me" over break like im beyond cool with the fact that you want to see alec i mean hell im beyond accomidating you im inviting you and like 3 friends to my friends new years party so you and alec can be together. and im okay with it but dont lie and pretend your coming to see me it just makes you sound stupid. && beyond that NO ONE IS GONNA CATCH US DRINKING! we got one knock on the door one like 3 months ago and nothing since PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop freaking out i freak out enough on my own. and your freaking out doesnt help mine.

i cant wait to go home. and hangout with my friends who have money and can do stuff without me paying i cant wait to live at home where my parents are paying for my food. im soooo overrr this.

this world will never be what i expected.

a whole bunch of random thoughts...

i am tired.
i am tired of whats wrong
i am tired of sadness
i am tired of twitching
i am tired of thinking about death
i am tired of dreaming of bad things happening
i am tired of thinking about every possible thing going wrong
i am tired of tired
i am tired of their actually being something wrong.
i am tired of having to convince myself i should keep going
i am tired of lying down and praying to god their is infact blood running thru my veins and that im living.
i am tired of complaining...i am annoying arent I!?

i used to think i had full control over myself. this i have learned is not true at all. but i dont want to be like this anymore. i want to be happy because i should be happy I have NOTHING to be sad about... i mean i cant even bring myself to be content. i find myself to be so depressing it makes me more depressed. whats up with that!??



- the semesters almost over and its going really well. next semester should be even better im going to learn how to play piano thats exciting. oh well back to work.