you can honestly prepare yourself for everything the world has to throw at you, but if your mind is weak, all that preparing was for nothing...
.. I remember the first time I thought about it. I was driving across a bridge and I thought to myself, what if I didn't drive over it, but instead drove off of it. ..
at the time I laughed, that wasn't the first time I thought about going through with it , but it was the first time it was a completely plausible thing to do, that would not require somehow stealing a gun or attempting to find a high place to hang myself. It seemed so simple. Granted my little box of car is not big enough to throw me into any water, but it is small enough to crunch up from a tiny box into a small heap of metal leaving me done for. I then proceeded to wonder if god would leave me hanging on by a thread in the hospital on life support like a tease leaving my parents with a question of holding on or letting go, or if he would simply realize I obviously didn't want to be here anymore and would let me go peacefully to hell...
I think the worst part about realizing just how depressed I was, was that I was smart enough to realize it. To normal people it takes over you like a drug, i've seen it happen right before me, and the person just sucombs to vices like knives until they get out and end it all before they even realize they need help. I knew I needed help I just chose to look in the other direction for a while.
I think the thing that bothers me the most though even more than being smart enough to know I had a problem was the fact that I still to this day cannot figure out what triggered it all. I mean i've considered myself clinically depressed since at least sophmore year when I decided to stop eat for a few days and ended spending most the year watching blood drip from my arm to make sure their was still blood running through my viens and then upon figuring out their was sedating myself with enough Ibprofen that no matter what tom did, or my parents said, or people in school said to me nothing ment a thing I could just laugh it off or make a joke back instead. I guess thats where I went wrong, but still I thought I was past all that until that day. I have no clue what bridge it was, I just know it seemed like a normal day. Of course nothing is normal in my life.
Today I cried in my car. Crying and driving so dangerous my life is. But there I was I had held back as long as I could I was to the point past when you feel the tears welling up and right after you hold them back when you feel that pinch of pain because you should have cried. and then a few minutes later I wasn't strong enough to hold it back anymore... I'm tired.
I always tell my sister she shouldn't judge. my family judges me hard. but not even that hard, but between them and everyone else in the world it piles up and you just wish you had a safe haven, and when you realize you don't.... it hurts ... alot.
I would basically do anything for my friends. but here I am. My two best friends eat dominoes with me and spend the rest of the time telling me how manly I am and how I must have a penis. and then the people I live with at school seem to think of me as a general fuck up, a slut, or just a mean person. My boyfriends parents seem to think I am a drunk & a pot head. My other friends must think I am a flake because I can't seem to make time for them. and my family they just judge...hard.
it build up..and I let it. Because god forbid i tell anyone that they hurt me, because I'm claire szeker..I don't know if it is because I am tall or what but people seem to think I am pretty strong considering they throw all their problems on me and then run fast away when I have any. And this is not all of my friends but a great majority.
I don't know sometimes it just feels like I put out so much, and I get nothing back.
its like when i "jokingly" say I want to kill myself and my friends tell me I can't because they they'd have nothing to do.. if someone told you they wanted to kill themselves would you want to find a better reason then you wouldn't have anything to do.
I've thought about it a million times, but I still can't bring myself because I've been through so much shit now I just like to see what god will throw at me next for shits and giggles.
I don't know. I guess I just wonder when I became so fucked up..like honest question in which I want an answer.. why do people automatically think I would be a bad parent I mean granted I have said in the past I don't want kids, but why wouldn't I? and why do people automatically assume I am an alcoholic.. I barely drink.. Or a pot head.. And am I really that mean. I mean honestly am I? because if so i'd generally like to fix it.
I think the funniest thing to me is that I cry in my car yet I can't cry at my grandfathers funeral, or Bobs funeral, or even Britt's....I guess because in the end I always wondered why it couldn't have been me.
Yeah, I Know fucked up isn't it.
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