&&& this is where i am at now...

i live with this awesome girl. except she has like just a few thousand issues with me. and refuses to talk to me about it.. i do not attack her. but she gets flustered and tells me off. like i did something wrong.
i do not enjoy confrontation i do not enjoy you always feeling the need to get your way

i want things to work out.

but this is what it comes down to. i need to either go home. or move out... because im a going to kill her.
i have so many things going on in my life. that literally every morning i wake up and have to convince myself to keep going to keep trying to search and find some reason to keep living. and having to wake up everyday in this enviroment makes the fight almost seem not worth.


im at breaking point. and it seems she wants to just push me off the edge of the cliff. and laugh while fall all the way down. and if i try to tell her how i feel. she snaps back. and then within a minute and half DOESNT want to talk about it anymore. and then i feel like the bad person

today im officially poor... i could call home for money but its my own fault. i volunteered to make everyone who makes me feel like shit christmas dinner. it was good dinner they enjoyed but they still made me hate myself more.

so i have 5 dollars to my name until thursday morning when my direct deposit goes through and in the process of buying everything to make them dinner i have no food in the house except for half a bag of pizza rolls, honey nut cheerios and apple sauce. needless to say im fucked until thursday butttt ohhh well right.

cause its my fault end of story.

crying is weakness so i cut. probs not the best method but its not often and its not deep.

if i go home i fail. i let down everyone in my life.
and no dont give me that itll all be okay.
theyll look at me differently.
i think about EVERYONE.
and i cant do it.

soo i up my depression medication hope my twitch calms and hope for the best.

i just hate that in the process of all this im hurting the few lights in my life. like me & parents are actually close and me & sean are perfect. but i cant only push myself so hard to smile and act like im fine. and i hate complaining to sean. because he just feels bad and then i feel bad.

needless to say im fucked either.

YAY!